You just can't get the staff!

Now as a former member of the Labour Party I'm as egalitarian as they come but I have always depended on the fact that when people are employed to do ..well..menial tasks they'll get on and do them without demur and this especially applies to work being done for me!.

Unlike the bad old days we are now awash in Employment Law, Health and Safety rules and the like and the former minions who once went about their work keeping our cities clean, delivering furniture etc. without me even being aware of them, now confront me just as I imagine the Citizens of the French Revolution dealt contemptuously with their erstwhile masters the bourgeoisie.

Take the other day. I ordered a wardrobe from a well known Swedish dealer in furniture and was relieved to find that they promised delivery 'up one flight of stairs' as I live in a first floor apartment.

However when the delivery truck arrived complete with about 20 pieces of ready-to-be-assembled wardrobe the situation became slightly fraught. "Where do we stick these then, squire, " asked the huge delivery guy in that tone that says 'I dont really care to be honest and up your ass would suit me fine' - and I do hate the patronising term 'squire' .

"Just up the steps and in through the open door please," said I and he turned decidedly bolshie.

"Well we ain't supposed to do that, squire, its not in our contract of employment. I'll have to talk to my mate and see what he thinks."



I had visions of them driving off and leaving twenty huge pieces of wardrobe on the path.

"Hang on, " I said, "the furniture store promised delivery up one flight of stairs."

It was at this point that he became most smug. "Ah well, you see, we don't work for them. We're just a contracted delivery firm and we've got health and safety rules. We ain't supposed to carry this stuff up stairs. We ain't covered by insurance you see."

At this point I became slightly agitated. "That's dumb,"I said. "Why do the company make promises they're not in a position to keep?"

He shrugged. "Cos all the rest promise the same I expect' he said and went to consult his pal. Fortunately said pal must have been in a good mood because they agreed to carry the stuff upstairs while muttering darkly about 'not their responsibility if it got damaged on the sharp bends'.

I began to wonder why anybody bothers refurnishing their homes when you get a couple of barrack room lawyers, complete with rule book, turn up on your doorstep. A sign of the times.

Similarly, in connection with said wardrobe, I demolished my old one and phoned the local council to come and take it away.

"Is it in one piece?" said the lady on the phone.

"Hardly," I said, "its a wardrobe..and its massive. How was I going to get that out of a flat in one piece?"

"Well how many pieces is it in?" she continued.

"Oh I dunno, about forty. Does it matter?"

"Oh yes," she continued earnestly, " you'll have to bundle it up in some kind of wrapping so it makes six packages."

"Why?" I demanded, mystified. "It's bloody heavy to be wrapping up like a cake."

"Well I'm just trying to be helpful," she snapped, getting a bit shirty now, "if you want it all moved they won't take more than six separate lots. That's the rules."



And that's why I am entering this with a very sore back having spent half yesterday afternoon hauling huge oak doors into bundles. I could have slipped a disc...I haven't but I could have. But who cares about my health and safety?

Nobody it seems as long as the rule book protects our council workforce and our delivery drivers from doing any more work than they have to.......squire!