The truth sometimes hurts

One of the amusing stories in the British press this week has been that of the Howard School for Boys in Rainham where some end of term school reports written by teachers on their pupils were apparently lost in transit and found in the street by a member of the public. This worthy, rather than return the reports to the school, had a quick read and then decided to send them to the local radio station as they contained rather unflattering remarks about some of the pupils. One boy was described as a 'dingbat', another 'a complete wally', a third as 'away with the fairies' and one pupil's mother was described as 'really rather rough'.



Although these descriptions are not too complimentary, I can easily understand the frustration of teachers in compiling their assessments, particularly if the comments were not intended to be seen outside the staff room. It must be teeth gritting to have to come up with some sanitised, homogenised pap for parents to read when you really want to scream what you really think of their little horror.

It just struck me, based on memories of my own and my family's schooldays, that a useful list of euphemistic end of term comments could be easily compiled and translated for internal use:

So Ive come up with an end of term report for parents followed by its staff room equivalent in parentheses.

"Your son's capacity to absorb and retain detail is a matter of some concern"

(Complete Dickhead)

"His tendency towards physically assertive behaviour overshadows his academic achievements"

(Total psycho who should be in special needs)


"He is a popular boy, but has an extrovert attitude towards the curriculum which can be distracting for all concerned."

(The form clown)


"Has been showing emotional traits which I fear are not conducive to his welfare within the school and about which I would welcome an opportunity for a discussion."

(Definitely showing gay tendencies about which the poor bastard is tormented mercilessly)


"He is a co-operative and willing student whose laudable desire to please can sometimes mask a lack of comprehension"

(A total suck-up with the brains of a gnat)


"A boy who has shown intermittent signs of genuine ability but whose mental awareness appears to be hampered by what I perceive to be undesirable influences. I would welcome an opportunity to discuss the relevance of what appears to be a highly unusual home environment in this situation.

(A crack-head who turns up stoned on the stuff his father deals outside the school gates)

..and of course there must be more. Anyone reading this blog, especially if you are a frustrated teacher, please send more!!